Men, Your Body Changes Too: The Truth About Erections, Stamina & Aging
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Women hear a lot about how their bodies change with age. Hormones change. Sex drive can change. Arousal can take longer. Medications can affect things. Kids, work, stress, sleep, health, and plain old exhaustion can change your sex life.
Guess what?
Men, you are not exempt. 😂
Your body at 45, 55, or 65 isn't going to respond exactly like it did at 21. And yet we put this ridiculous expectation on men that their penis should somehow remain completely unaffected by aging, stress, medications, health problems, alcohol, hormones, kids, exhaustion, or anything else life throws at them.
That's not how bodies work.
Maybe you're not getting as hard as you used to. Maybe you can get an erection but have trouble keeping it. Maybe it takes longer to get one. Maybe you're finishing sooner than you'd like. Maybe it's taking forever to finish.
Maybe round two used to be easy and now your body is saying:
Absolutely not, sir. We're going to sleep. 😂
All of those are different issues, but they can get lumped together under one word: stamina.
So let's talk about what's actually going on.
Your Body Isn't 25 Forever
Sexual response can change as men get older.
You may need more stimulation to become fully erect. Erections may not feel as automatic as they once did. Your recovery time after orgasm may change. Your sexual desire can change too.
Medications, hormones, physical health, mental health, sleep, stress, alcohol, and what's happening in your relationship can all be part of the picture.
But there's an important distinction here.
Erectile dysfunction isn't simply an inevitable part of getting older.
According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK), erectile dysfunction can be connected to conditions including diabetes, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, hormone problems, nerve-related conditions, certain medications, and psychological or emotional factors.
So don't dismiss persistent erection problems with, Well, I'm just getting old.
But also don't panic because your body doesn't behave exactly like it did 20 years ago.
Both things can be true.
Can We Stop Making Round Two a Requirement?
There is a ridiculous amount of pressure on men sexually.
Get hard immediately.
Stay hard.
Last forever.
Make your partner orgasm.
Have an orgasm yourself.
And then somehow be ready to do the entire thing again five minutes later.
Who wrote these rules? 😂
After ejaculation, most men experience what's called a refractory period. It's basically a recovery period when another erection or orgasm may be difficult or temporarily impossible.
How long it lasts varies tremendously.
For some men, it may be relatively short. For others, it can be much longer. Age can affect recovery time too.
And I went looking for a legitimate statistic showing exactly what percentage of men cannot go a second round because people love percentages.
I couldn't find a reliable one.
So I'm not going to make one up just because it would sound good in a blog.
Research into men who experience multiple orgasms exists, but there isn't a good universal number that tells us how many men should or shouldn't be capable of immediately going again.
The important part?
Round two is not a requirement for good sex.
And honestly, if you're having sex before bed, sometimes round two is just sleep.
That's allowed. 😂
It's Not Always “Low T”
Testosterone matters. It plays a role in male sexual desire and sexual function.
But every erection problem, change in libido, or stamina issue does not automatically mean low testosterone.
An erection involves your brain, nerves, hormones, blood vessels, emotions, and overall health all working together. There are a lot of moving parts involved in getting one penis to cooperate. 😂
So please don't diagnose yourself from an advertisement and start taking random testosterone supplements or medications you bought online.
If you think testosterone may be an issue, talk to a physician and get properly evaluated.
If testing shows that hormones are part of the problem, you and your doctor can decide what makes sense.
If they aren't, you've avoided treating something you don't actually have.
And while we're talking about treatment, there is absolutely nothing wrong with therapy either. Your emotional health, stress level, relationship, anxiety, past experiences, and mental health can affect your sex life too.
Taking care of your sexual health sometimes means talking to more than one kind of professional.
Your Medications Can Affect Your Sex Life Too
Women aren't the only ones whose sex lives can be affected by medication.
Certain antidepressants, blood-pressure medications, sedatives, some pain medications, and other drugs can contribute to sexual problems in men.
Depending on the medication and the person, that might show up as changes in desire, difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, delayed ejaculation, or difficulty reaching orgasm.
That does not mean you stop taking your medication because your penis isn't cooperating.
Please don't do that.
Talk to the physician who prescribed it. There may be options depending on the medication and why you're taking it.
I'm an educator. I'm not a doctor, and I don't pretend to be one.
Your Brain Is Involved in Your Erection Too
This one gets overlooked.
You lose your erection one night.
The next time you have sex, you're thinking:
Please don't lose it.
Please don't lose it.
Am I still hard?
She's going to notice.
Shit. I'm losing it.
Now instead of enjoying what's happening, you're basically monitoring your penis like it's the stock market. 😂
And that anxiety can become part of the problem.
Stress, depression, anxiety, fear of sexual failure, relationship problems, and other emotional factors can contribute to erection problems or make an existing physical issue harder to deal with.
Maybe the first time was because you were exhausted.
But now you're worried it's going to happen again.
Then you're anxious because you're worried.
Then your body doesn't cooperate because you're anxious.
Then you think, See?! Something's wrong.
And around you go.
Talking to a therapist, counselor, or qualified sex therapist doesn't mean the problem is “all in your head.” Physical and psychological factors can overlap.
Your brain is part of your body too.
And Yes, “Whiskey Dick” Is a Thing
There's a reason people joke about whiskey dick.
Alcohol can lower your inhibitions while making it harder for your body to cooperate sexually.
So you can absolutely be thinking:
YES, I WANT SEX.
While your penis is responding:
Absolutely not, sir. 😂
Heavy alcohol use can contribute to erectile problems and lower sexual desire.
That doesn't mean one night when you've had too much to drink tells us anything meaningful about your overall sexual health.
But if erection problems are happening regularly when you're sober too, that's a different conversation and worth bringing up with your physician.
Men Get Tired Too
We talk a lot about women carrying the mental load, and for good reason. Women still often carry a disproportionate amount of household and caregiving work.
But that doesn't mean men can't be completely freaking exhausted too.
There are stay-at-home dads. Single dads. Men working long hours. Men caring for aging parents. Men getting up with babies. Men worrying about bills. Men dealing with demanding careers, health problems, relationship stress, kids' schedules, lack of sleep, and everything else adulthood throws at us.
Being exhausted doesn't automatically mean:
“I'm not attracted to my partner.”
Sometimes it means:
“I'm freaking tired.”
Men aren't machines that can instantly flip from Dad Mode, Work Mode, Problem-Solving Mode, or Stress Mode into Sex Mode on command.
And their partners need to understand that too.
An Erection Is Not an Attraction Meter
This is where couples can get themselves into trouble.
A man has difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, and his partner immediately thinks:
He doesn't want me.
He isn't attracted to me anymore.
Is he attracted to someone else?
Am I doing something wrong?
Meanwhile, he may be lying there completely attracted to his partner thinking:
WHY ISN'T MY PENIS WORKING?!
Those are two completely different experiences happening in the same bed.
An erection isn't a perfect measurement of attraction.
You can be attracted to someone and have your body not cooperate. You can want sex and struggle to get an erection. Just like a woman can want sex and not automatically become lubricated.
Bodies don't always perfectly match what our brains are thinking.
That's why communication matters.
And if you're the partner, turning one erection problem into an interrogation probably isn't going to help the performance anxiety the next time around.
Talk about it without immediately making it about attraction, rejection, or failure.
Products Can Be Tools, But They're Not Medical Care
There are absolutely things couples can experiment with when sexual response changes.
A C-ring can be used during sex to help maintain firmness by slowing the outflow of blood from the penis.
Sleeves and other toys can add different sensations or take some of the pressure off penetration being the entire sexual experience.
Lube can reduce friction and make different types of stimulation more comfortable.
Different positions can change sensation and may require less physical effort.
There are also products designed around sensation and stamina depending on what someone wants to explore.
These can all be tools for sexual play and enhancement.
They're not a substitute for medical care.
If you suddenly can't get an erection, you're consistently struggling to get or maintain one, your erections have become noticeably weaker, or something has clearly changed from what's normal for you, talk to a physician.
Persistent erectile problems can sometimes be associated with conditions affecting blood vessels, nerves, hormones, or overall health, including cardiovascular disease and diabetes.
That does not mean:
I lost my erection last night, therefore I'm having a heart attack.
Please don't do that to yourself. 😂
It means that if your body is repeatedly doing something different, it's worth finding out why instead of trying to shop your way around it.
Good Sex Isn't Measured With a Stopwatch
This might be the biggest thing I want men and their partners to understand.
Good sex isn't determined by how quickly you get hard.
It isn't determined by whether your erection stays rock-hard every second.
It isn't determined by whether penetration lasts 7 minutes or 37.
And it sure as hell isn't determined by whether you can immediately perform round two.
Sex can include hands, mouths, toys, kissing, touching, oral sex, massage, penetration, mutual masturbation, and about a thousand other things two consenting adults enjoy.
Your penis does not have to carry the entire responsibility for everybody having a good time.
Take some pressure off the poor guy. 😂
Men, Your Body Changes Too
Your body changes.
Your hormones can change.
Your medications change.
Your health changes.
Your responsibilities change.
Your stress changes.
Your relationships change.
Your sleep changes.
So why would we expect your sexual response to be the one thing that stays exactly the same for your entire adult life?
If something changes, don't be embarrassed by it.
Talk to your partner.
Take care of your physical health.
Take care of your mental health.
If therapy could help, go to therapy.
If something isn't working normally, talk to your physician.
And if you've been evaluated and your body simply needs more time, more stimulation, better communication, or a different approach than it used to?
Adjust the playbook.
Different doesn't automatically mean broken.
And good sex was never supposed to be a performance anyway.
Sources & Further Reading
- National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK), Symptoms & Causes of Erectile Dysfunction
- National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK), Treatment for Erectile Dysfunction
- Mayo Clinic, Erectile Dysfunction and Your Health
- International Society for Sexual Medicine review, Multiple Orgasms in Men: What We Know So Far
- International Consultation on Sexual Medicine, research on hormonal regulation of male sexual desire, arousal, and erections